Elder travelers often have special needs, so keep these important tips in mind:

Before the trip…

• Ask about senior discounts; successful travel does not have to be an expensive proposition. Consider trip cancellation insurance.

• Invite your elder to have some input about the itinerary. Be flexible.

• Make sure your elder has foreign country medical insurance. Medicare doesn’t apply outside the United States. If your elder’s Medicare supplement isn’t covered outside the U.S., you may want to purchase travel insurance with medical coverage.

• Check out hospitals and 24/hour emergency medical centers on route ahead of time.

• Get necessary immunizations; know how to find medical assistance on the road; pack extra medications and food for special need diets; take precautions for varying climates and altitudes.

• There’s no need for physically challenged elders to stay home. For a wealth of information on accessible travel, search for “disability travel” on the Internet. Also, if your elder tells you that stair-climbing may be an issue, plan accordingly.

• Plan for back-up activities for rainy days and long airport delays. Pack books, games, IPods, IPads, and crossword puzzles. Download favorite movies. Check out Internet access before you leave.

• If your elder cannot handle his/her own luggage, make sure you have a plan in place for luggage assistance.

• Give copies of your trip itinerary and phone numbers with other family members and trusted neighbors.

On the road…

• Learn your elder’s routine ahead of time. Does he or she have a regular naptime? Bed time? Try to stick to that routine as much as possible.

• Elders should be especially careful at high-altitude destinations. Acclimate slowly, and take it very easy the first few days.

• Intersperse high levels of physical activity with quiet times together, like reading, taking a walk, and watching a movie.

• Encourage everyone to keep a trip journal and take pictures.

What to do if your elder says, “I don’t want to go.”

If your elder lives with you or close by, and rejects the idea of taking a trip with you, go anyway. Make arrangements for him or her to stay somewhere safe and pleasant while you are on the road. Here are some suggestions:

• Ask someone you like and trust to stay with your elder.
• Take up residence in the home of another family member or trusted friend.
• Consider a caregiver respite center, assisted-living facility or a nursing home that takes residents on a short-term basis. Contact your local agency on aging and your elder’s doctor for referrals.

Every trip comes to an end. Schedule some time later to look over photographs and journals. It may not have been a perfect trip and everything may not have been all you hoped it would be, but the special moments you shared are what you will remember.

The plan is for Bill to leave Florida on a Friday morning and arrive in Chicago on Saturday afternoon. I would be there to greet Bill and get him settled into Sunrise Assisted Living. Mom will fly to Chicago on Sunday and then meet up with Bill after she drops off her luggage. Mom’s dream to move back to Chicago to be near family will finally take place next week.

Transport day is here. The medical transfer team carefully loads Bill into the motor coach, and Mom is relieved when Daryl at Signature Healthcare calls and informs her that Bill is on his way. We all breathe a sigh of relief.

Several hours after Bill is on the road, I’m the first person he calls (I’m thrilled). He says the motor coach is fantastic. From his hospital bed he is able to look out the front window with the driver. He sounds upbeat and tells me he’s having a wonderful experience. He says that Nancy the nurse is kind and funny. I’m happy to hear all is going well. I call Mom immediately and tell her the good news and I can hear in her voice that she is greatly relieved.

The phone rings several hours later. This time the call is from Nancy, the nurse who is taking care of Bill. She tells me Bill is doing great and having a ball. Then she drops the bomb. Unfortunately the motor coach has broken down and they are parked on the side of the road. Since it’s 8 pm on a Friday night, the local auto parts shop is closed for the evening and they’ll have to wait until morning to buy a fan belt.

Nancy tells me the motor coach has never malfunctioned in the history of their medical transport business. I laugh out loud. What else can go wrong with this long-distance move?

Bill arrived safely in Chicago 10 hours later than planned. For the first time in twenty years, Mom and Bill are back home.

This blog about moving a parent from long-distance has now come to an end. Dear readers, I want to thank you for accompanying me on this incredible eldercare journey. Many lessons were learned in the process and I will summarize highlights in my next blog.

P.S. Two months after Bill arrived in Chicago he died peacefully.

Looking through my many photo albums and reminiscing about people that I love, especially those who have since died, keeps me keenly aware of the importance of the passage of time — especially grandparents. Now that school’s out, opportunities for spending time with one another present themselves more often; and what better way to make that time more meaningful and memorable than to travel together?

Taking your elderly loved ones along on your next vacation has many advantages. In addition to grandparents taking an ever-increasing role in their grandchildren’s lives, members of every generation learn to appreciate the unique perspective one has to offer the other. Time with our elders are moments we can’t put a value on, and by using travel to share experiences, family relationships blossom and grow stronger.

Travel with a Focus

Vacationing with family members has taught me many things, but none more important than this: Travel is most enjoyable when the trip has a focus. When family vacation plans pursue a single idea or theme, chances are you’ll all have more fun — and add something new to your life at the same time. The range of possibilities is almost endless. Here are a few ideas:

• exploring the American wilderness
• archaeological digs
• lessons at some of the country’s great golf courses
• learning to cook Italian, Chinese, Thai or any ethnic cuisine
• historical and architectural tours
• photography lessons and expeditions
• tracing the life and works of composers and visiting famous opera houses
• learning to paint, or study the masters, or both.
• scenic river floats
• bird watching safaris
• flight seeing (view volcanoes and canyons from the sky)

Focused travel doesn’t mean you have to take a tour package: independent trips are available, too. Even if you sign up for an organized program, you can travel to and from the area on your own.  To find specialized trips, start with organizations that have already considered the special needs of older travelers:

• Church groups
• Museums
• National parks
• Colleges and universities
• Elderhostel is open to travelers age 55 or over.

“Senior-Friendly” Vacation Ideas

If creating a custom vacation is what you have in mind, here are a few ideas that accommodate most families’ interests:

College Towns

A treasure trove of lectures, concerts, workshops, social gatherings, theater, music, sporting events and more awaits the entire family when a college town is the getaway destination. Not only that, campus lodging is often relatively inexpensive, and some are now available year-around.  Modern Maturity Magazine featured the following towns that exemplify the best qualities of the college town experience:

Austin, Texas

Ann Arbor, Michigan

Bloomington, Indiana

Charlottesville, Virginia

Columbia, Missouri

Iowa City, Iowa

Las Cruces, New Mexico

Madison, Wisconsin

Princeton, New Jersey

State College, Pennsylvania

Cruises

The biggest advantage to taking a cruise with family members is that nobody in your party has to organize either the adults or the children. But beware. Will the cruise really satisfy the family’s wish to “visit” different countries? Most cruise ships dock for just eight hours or so at each stop and sight-seeing usually takes place from the window of a tour bus.

Motor Home Travel

From visiting national parks to tracing historic events, renting a motor home is another popular family vacation option. Sleeping up to six persons for less than $100 a day can’t be beat. If this idea appeals to you, ask about unlimited mileage and insurance.

Work Conferences

One of the easiest family vacation ideas might be right under your nose. Do you have a work-related conference coming up in your near future? Take Mom. These days, juggling work/life responsibilities is not easy, and employers are beginning to see the benefits of encouraging employees to combine work travel with family vacations. They know how difficult it may be for you to get away, and bringing the family along might be a “win-win” solution. While you’re off at a workshop, Mom can shop or read by the pool.

Now that the move is really going to happen, I have two immediate and important decisions to make. Number one is where is the best place for Bill to live right now and Number two… how in the world will I physically get him to Chicago?

The best housing option for Bill in his current condition means my searching assisting living communities. Skilled nursing is not the level of care he needs right now. Besides, in an assisted living environment Bill might take it upon himself to exercise, eat right, and socialize and in the process regain and possibly sustain somewhat of an independent-living lifestyle. People have been known to get their act together when given the appropriate level of assistance. Too much, too soon leaves people overly dependent, and I’m banking on Bill to recover — somewhat.

In the meantime, I’m challenged with Bill’s transportation issues. Transferring him from Florida in his present physical and mental condition will not be an easy task. He can’t physically withstand a flight in a commercial airplane and sitting in a car for the three-day trip is out of the question. This leaves me with one very expensive alternative – medical transport.

If you’re ever in this situation, look no further than the National Medical Transport Company (www.nationalmedicaltransport.com). When Ann Austin answered the phone, my mind was immediately put at ease. Her first questions were all about me and how I was doing. I was instantly relieved and could feel the stress leave my body (momentarily).

I have always known that medical transport is an expensive option, and I had no idea that this journey of Bill’s would cost no less than $9,000. My stomach turned when I heard the price, especially since the price of a one-way airplane ticket is $150. So I immediately had to justify this expense.  On the other hand, all I did was take one look at the sadness and stress in my Mom’s face to know that the cost of getting Bill to Chicago safe and sound and as soon as possible — is priceless.

And so I began to make arrangements with Ann.  A 42-foot luxury motor coach, fully equipped as a hospital room on wheels, along with an RN and two drivers will pick Bill up at Signature Healthcare, drive 24 hours non-stop, and deliver him in one piece to Sunrise Assisted Living in Chicago.

We will have 24-hour telephone communication throughout the trip, and Bill will arrive like a rock star! (I hope.)

A soft knock on my home-office door around noon always means it’s time to eat — whether I’m hungry or not. I smile as I open the door. There stands my Mom, with arms outstretched, holding a large paper plate filled to the brim with a sandwich sliced in half, potato chips, butter pickles, a side of potato salad, and several cookies for desert. She warms my heart every time. Mom has come to bring me my lunch.

Several months back, Mom moved in with us, and her new focus in life is feeding Joy Loverde EVERY chance she gets. Having an Italian mother means food and love. They go hand-in-hand, and I mean to tell you she loves me a lot.  I haven’t the heart to tell her that I’m not typically hungry when she hands dishes out the huge lunch-time meal. That would be a major blow to her worth as my mother. Instead, I graciously accept the plate of food with a big smile and thank you.

Ever since her husband, Bill died Mom’s been at a loss for creating some kind of purpose in her life. Feeding Bill breakfast, lunch, and dinner used to be her number-one focus – that is until he died and then that role was replaced by me. The feeding of her family has always given Mom hours of daily pleasure. Every meal is carefully planned, prepared, and presented. Cooking for one is not something my Mom has ever known how to do.

Coming home from grade school around three-thirty every afternoon, my siblings and I went straight to the kitchen where that evening’s dinner was already a work in progress. Every meal was prepared from scratch. The smells emanating from Mom’s kitchen would rival the best of Italian restaurants. No wonder most Italians prefer home-cooking over eating out.

I bring all of this up to make an important point. Creating a purposeful life as we age is one of the key elements of successful aging. In spite of aches and pains, successfully aging older adults make the effort to get out of bed, get dressed for the day, and hit the road running with a project or two. They are working, they are volunteering. They are teaching and they are blogging. All-in-all, successful agers are givers.

Roger Landry, M.D., president of Masterpiece Living repeatedly tells us, “When life seems pointless, finding meaning in our later years heads off depression and isolation.” And never is finding purpose in life more critical than in the family caregiver process.  In our American culture, which is pretty much void of honoring the aged, we almost always have to take it upon ourselves to help our elderly loved ones find a way to help break the vicious cycle of loneliness, neediness, depression, and self-centeredness among the older people in our lives. The rewards are many.  When our elders are engaged in living a life of purpose, it lessens their demands and dependence on us.

Encouraging your elders to pursue a more productive and engaged lifestyle can begin by asking them the kinds of questions that will help get them out of a rut. Perhaps the following questions will rekindle their zest for living a meaningful life:

What interests you?

What is important for you to do right now?

Is there a special talent that you can teach someone else?

Can you think of anyone who can use your help right now?

Have you considered volunteering for a cause that’s important to you?

It’s time to tell Bill that he’s out of choices, and that the move to Chicago is taking place in a few short weeks. With a history of resistance and temperamental outbursts, I must be very cautious regarding my approach when bringing up this sensitive topic with Bill. In the back of my mind at all times is the fact that Mom’s health is at risk. Her weak heart can’t take one more setback.

I determine that talking to Bill about the move will take on an “intervention” approach. The strategy is to surround myself and Mom with the professionals who work in the nursing home. I contact Daryl, the social worker at Signature where Bill is residing, and ask him for his opinion on how best to proceed. He suggests that Mom is the best messenger, and she will tell Bill that he’s being moved back to Chicago. Mom is on board with this plan.

When the day comes to deliver the news to Bill, Daryl and I have a brief coaching session with Mom so she will feel more in control of the situation. We role play a bit, and when she says she’s ready to take on the task, she, Daryl and I make our way down the long hallway to Bill’s bedside. All three of us are prepared for ANYTHING to happen in case Bill reacts in an argumentative manner (as he always has in the past).

I hold my breath as Mom calmly tells Bill the about the Chicago move. Bill looks at Mom with a puzzled look; then Bill looks at me, and then at Daryl. I can’t read his face nor can I tell what Bill’s thinking. Interestingly enough, there appears to be no sign of Bill’s historical immediate reluctance to the idea of the move to Chicago. Then he surprises us all. He smiles and looks at Mom and says, “Let’s go!” Needless to say the three of us are greatly relieved.

And, I am not 100% convinced that Bill won’t have second thoughts after we leave. So Mom and I talk with Daryl about this probability, and Daryl assures us that he and his staff are prepared to calm Bill down until the day he leaves Signature for good.

Now the rush is on. I kick into gear – full speed ahead.  I now have to figure out how to get Bill to Chicago. He cannot fly on a commercial plane – he is not physically or mentally capable of that kind of activity. Besides, one outburst from Bill can bring down the plane.

While I am thinking about how to transport Bill to Chicago, I continue to have my suspicions and wonder what Bill will cook up to sabotage the move to Chicago. I feel like I am playing a chess game and trying to anticipate Bill’s every move.

Blog by Joy Loverde

Question:

My Mom is 83 and has had “mental problems” in the past. Everyone has always “walked on eggshells” with her. She is a volatile, controlling person and expects everyone to “wait on her/do for her.”

That said, she has spent $40,000 in CD’s including her “burial $”, and run up her credit card to $16,000.  She came to live with me six weeks ago because she realized at that time that her $ had run out. Her social security cannot cover her expenses – she comes up short every month with her spending habits which she refuses to change.

She has now reverted to her “crazy” personality and is insisting that she go back to her condo.  She screams & yells that I am trying to steal her $$.   She has not eaten any food except goldfish crackers for over a week & lied to the doctor that she was fine.

Everyone (including her sisters) tell me to take her back to the condo and let her do what she wants.  I don’t want her to get hurt but I cannot tolerate her abusive and passive aggressive behavior toward me.   Elderly Services told me that she is an adult and as long as no doctor has declared her incompetent she can do what she wants.  Any advice?

Answer:

Elderly Services is right. Your mom is an adult and as long as no doctor has declared her incompetent she can do what she wants.  At the same time, you can petition to be her guardian in a court of law.

Question:

My family and I believe my mother to be schizophrenic.  She has a cyclic pattern that is disruptive for the whole family.  She can not keep employment, housing, or an automobile because of her behavior.  Presently she has no where to stay, and my husband and I invited her to stay with us on the condition that she went to see a therapist.  She exploded and told us that we no longer existed to her and that she would go and stay in a homeless shelter.  I know that she won’t do that because she is afraid to live by herself.  I would like to become her legal guardian to get her some help.  We both live in Louisiana – she is in Baton Rouge and we are in New Orleans.

Answer:

For starters, contact the Elderly Protective Services (EPS) and describe your situation. This agency protects adults who cannot physically or mentally protect themselves. The state office hotline number is 800-259-4990. To pursue a legal guardianship, contact the Public Guardian office and seek advice on how to proceed. Another source of assistance will be the area agency on aging. Call 800-677-1116 to obtain information about local resources.

No matter what route you decide, think twice about taking your mother into your own home. If she is as disruptive as you describe, your family will suffer dearly. The professionals at the local agency on agency can help you with housing alternatives.

If you’ve been following the saga of this long-distance move, you heard me say early on that I wouldn’t put it past my mother’s husband, Bill to sabotage the move. He has never been in favor of the move idea – in spite of Mom telling Bill over and over again for the past five years how important it is for her to be near her children in their advanced years.

When Bill finally agreed to put the house up for sale, I personally witnessed his resistance to the relocation idea. Every time I visited them, Bill was saying nasty things to my Mom – making his greatest attempt to stop the move from taking place. Bill never wanted to go back to Chicago and that’s that, and he was shocked to say the least at how quickly the house was under contract – both times.

Whether Bill purposefully did not eat or take his medications while Mom was in Chicago buying furniture and getting the apartment ready for move is not my main grievance here. The fact that he is now in a nursing home in Florida is the issue. Did Bill create his medical mishap to purposefully stall the move process? Perhaps he did. At the same time, my thinking process is clear. Nothing and I mean nothing is going to prevent this move from happening. I take one look at my Mom and know that I am fighting for her life. That’s all I need to keep on going.

A word to you, my dear blog readers… every eldercare situation comes with twists and turns. Illness, accidents, and backfired plans can and will happen right in the middle of a long-distance move. Do not let that stop you from staying on track. In fact, get used to the idea of change being around every corner, and you will not be so taken back when it happens.  Rely on your resilience and resourcefulness to figure out what comes next when unexpected things happen. There are plenty of options and courses of action for everything unexpected that comes your way.

If you look back on the past twenty blogs about this long-distance move with Mom and Bill you will notice that every posting includes my writing about an unexpected eldercare event. And every posting offers you guidance on how I was able to negotiate the issues head on and keep the moving the process going forward. Never forget – you are smart and you are resourceful. Keep moving toward the goal and you will succeed.

Bill being in the nursing home now in many ways is making it easier for me and Mom to continue the packing process. But one important issue lurks in the wings. How will I get Bill to Chicago?  Will he even agree to go? And even if he does agree, medically and emotionally he is not fit to fly or sit in a car for the long drive from Florida to Chicago.

First things first. It’s time to tell Bill he’s out of time and choices, and he’s heading to the Windy City whether he likes it or not. I have to come up with a plan on how to make this happen with the least resistance. I have never seen my mother so stressed and I continue to worry about her health.